A PC … Personal Crisis (imbalance)

So today (almost) all of us have a PC/laptop/smartphone and (no doubt) access to the internet. We can spend two minutes online, or two hours – solid. Is this good for your health? Both physical and mental?!

When one thinks about this, we are looking at an electronic screen, mostly alone. Sitting (perhaps eating) for hours upon end. Are we moving into a new world of imbalance? Are we, as users’ of the internet being careless about our health?

One question I’d like to pose: does technology bring about a new social fears for our health?

Facebook, Twitter tweets, email checks, apps etc all add up to a lot of time online. This blog is the prime example of it. Does this, therefore mean that our content is important when online?

I thought I’d post this post as a change from the usual scene. Perhaps we’re more everyday in our/ones thinking!

Good luck,

PS keep a balance … don’t exclude yourself or get too wrapped up with social media

Filed under: EverydayStuff, facebook, Health, socalise, social media, technology, twitter

Drug trails

Sometimes we are a little easily sucked in by the so called professionals. Of course, they are trained and have relevant experience. However, if you feel something isn’t working go back to your Doctor and tell them what you feel.

Pay attention to antidepressants, sometimes they can take over a month to work, or begin to work. But if you feel they are too wacky, tell them what you think. You are entitled to do so. Just don’t rattle too many cages.

From experience, mood is lifted by making your body do things it doesn’t want to do. The most obvious, exercise. Excercise releases endorphines – happy chemicals – making you feel good. Why not try and go for a walk a few times a week … why not try and listen to music when you couldn’t be bothered talking.

All I am trying to get across in this message/post is: try to break your comfie cycle. Don’t let sadness get on top of you, get on top of it.

Good luck, more soon

PS, get in touch if you’ve questions or want to read (in more detail) about something that interests you – perhaps it’s somethings that has or hasn’t been covered here yet. Feel free to email

Filed under: Uncategorized

Blog goes random…

Okay, so this Blog is available to anyone who has access to the internet and a computer. So far (I’ll sadly admit) that I will carry on writing about my personal experience battling with mental health issues over the last seven/eight years. I feel, if anyone does read this they might just get that:

glimmer of hope – whether it’s a sentence someone can relate to keep going because someone has been through ever similar experiences

Doctors’ (and any medics) are professional people first and human beings second. They appear (on the surface) to be dull and pre-programmed. I.e., they ask what your problem is, prescribe something for it. In my case, prescription medication.

Remember one thing: ask questions about your treatment plan. It’s your body, you know it best. Listen to the sign and try to rectify them as soon as possible.

I will never forget going to Psychiatry, they prescribed heavy medication – literally. After a few months I piled on the pounds, soon it was stones. Your skin (like everyone’s) is the biggest organ in the human body … don’t let anyone play around with it. If you get food cravings and have put on weight, why not ask to get a referral to see a dietitian and/or nutritionist?! I did, and it worked. In all I put on over 5 stone over a year (or two).

The best tip for weight sweet teeth: freeze grapes … when you feel like a sweet snack, grab a few on a plate, you’ll get that sweet kick, but most of all, you’ll not be eating as much junk – like potato crisps etc

Advice: know your own body. Get to know the real you. If you awake early, then you do. If you still feel tired then it’s time to ask for a bit of help. If not, you’re a morning person, what’s wrong with that? Lots of people would love to be lively in the morning.

Cheers…

Filed under: TheJourney, fat, GP, Health, mental, slim, weight

What do you think?

If you are following this Blog, or you are reading it for the first time, please take part in the poll below:

Thanks,

Upstairs Circuit

Filed under: Uncategorized

Psychiatry continues …

After a few weeks of being put on new, stronger medications I was slowly realising that life was still very difficult. Typical things we often take for granted (as human beings) were more of a challenge. For example, being able to get a good nights sleep was impossible. I continued to write my diary, then made a one page summary for both my GP and Psychiatrist. Here, I was prescribed more medication and existing medications were increased. I guess looking back, I thought (as well as my family) that this was how treatment worked … it was a waiting game for everything to adjust etc – as in, medication, upstaris circuit’s chemical imbalance

A few weeks later, the lack of sleep and consistent low mood was an on-going battle. I remember getting used to the idea that three hours sleep was normal. I often watched the late news then tuning into the radio station at 2am for the start of daytime playlists. Looking back, music (and audio) got me through a lot.

The day before I had a routine (weekly) appointment I wrote a letter for my family. In it, I explained how my head was like a washing machine on full spin. Thoughts of misery, disappointment and helplessness were too much. I said I needed to get a break: I needed to be in Hospital. I explained that this was the best place, and hopefully upstairs would be more content for everyday tasks. The next day my Psychiatrist suggested that I needed to get into Hospital so they could look at all my medications. Least not to mention that I was actively thinking of ending my own life … a plan I explained to the kind lady Doctor.

She took me up to the male ward, showing me how it was like the rest of the Hospital. Doctors (medics) didn’t wear white clothes, they dressed how she was always dressed, that is, casual clothes. After the initial viewing, I agreed to go into Hospital voluntary. The Dr allowed me to go home, pack a bag and said she’d see me in a few days. Until then, she explained that nursing staff were there to talk to etc

Later that evening, I went up to my room – a place I rarely left – to pack my things. I was fussy, packing flip-flops for the shower whilst having enough room for a few different outfits. About 30 minutes later I went down to the front room and explained to my family that I was going into hospital. They were strong for me, whilst echoing that it would be the best place. Holding a strong face I went back up to my room. I sat on my bed and cried thinking what the heck was going on. My brothers came up offering support, they agreed to drop me down for 8pm with my Dad. Looking back I really did have a really supportive family.

Before going I handed my Mum a letter. It was the one I prepared the day before, basically explaining that it was best for everyone – including my sleepless parents. I went into the ward that evening with my brothers and father, signed a document stating all my belongings and agreeing to go to a certain bed. The one opposite the nurses station – they wanted to monitor my moves.

I soon settled in, chatting to the friendly nursing staff. They really were normal, and did a fantastic job with my family and I. Soon visting time made a big farewell to my brothers and Dad. I’ll never forget hugging my Dad, he assured that I’d be alright. My brothers joked about the great banter I’d have (with the nurses and other patients).

Like a really nervous young man, I had an MP3 player ready to get some sleep. Of course, I ate the usual tea and toast that was on offer in the kitchen. I settled in well with all the staff. Always offering help, and offering to start up conversations. All of which were raised (positively) at my first ward round meeting. A meeting that literally had me in a bag of nerves. I was paranoid. So much so, at the end of the meeting, I requested why so many staff members were there. They all had duties (Social Services, junior medics, nurses – charge and senior – and a clinical psychologist) but seemed to fill the room too much.

I requested that all those who sat (literally) and said nothing did not turn up next week. It was a waste of resources and felt too intimidating. My Consultant challenged me, to which I requested, I’ll not answer any questions unless it was just the two of us. Feedback should happen in any team, regardless of occupation.

The next day one of my tutors (the head of the college) came to visit me with a card from all my classmates. She asked if I’d internet access because she was able to get me a laptop to help with my studies. I agreed to find out if this was possible. It was good to see some outside blood in the new instituation. Upon leaving, I remember seeing her talk to the charge nurse. Soon I heard that I wasn’t allowed access to the internet

it is too much pressure

There you have it, little me, a potential continuing student in hospital trying to get help to continue Education whilst helping upstairs find its circuit. A week later in the ward round, my Consultant strongly disagreed about continuing my studies. The nurse present (at the time) also agreed. There was me thinking he was actually nice. In all the depths of confusion, mental tourture, I never forget saying:

clearly my tutor thinks I have academic potential. I must be clever, I disagree with your decision, we’re all entitled to our opinions

This was perhaps the beginning of having a challenging patient. I was still able to express myself, get on with activities, take medication and rattle medics. Within a few days (with my mind worsening) dosages increased and soon I was like a zombie. I was slow and gaining weight like no tomorrow.

Advice: listen to your gut. What feels right for you is generally right.

Tip: Don’t give up on life, it is the one thing everyone on this Earth has. Make the most of it. Sometimes we can feel so disjointed, confused and depressed. Whenever you’re not feeling your usual self (i.e., your gut instinct) break the cycle, go for a walk, listen to music, talk to someone – family or friend. Don’t give in, and don’t give up … keep going! Trust me, you’ll look back and see the possibilities you had and have. Live

Filed under: TheJourney, Family, General practitioner, Health, Hospital, Nurse, Nursing, Pharmaceutical drug, Psychiatrist

One brilliant phrase

Life is like music, play it louder!

Filed under: Uncategorized, Health, music, TheJourney

The immediate referral

Even at the age of eighteen, I was always writing. Perhaps, I was utilising the skills I learnt as I was sitting my A-Levels at a Further Education College to (hopefully) go on to study a course at University. I wrote out a letter of thoughts a few days before I was due to see my GP. My GP had asked me to see her regularly, she wanted to monitor my mood alongside the nausea in the mornings.

***I do not wish to publish these writings on this Blog, whilst they may be of interest to some people online, I do not believe they would help those who are genuinely feeling unwell***

I wrote directly to anything that was going on upstairs, on many occasions having a blank page and a pen allowed me to have space to write about anything. I guess it was a relief valve for low mood, anger and low self-esteem. My GP read the letter and asked me:

______, have you considered ending it?

Once she heard the word “yes” come from my mouth, she kindly asked me to leave the room. I stood in the narrow corridor looking out the window at the grey clouds with tearful eyes. A few minutes later my GP came out to get me. We sat down and I heard words I will never forget:

Would you like me to take you to A&E? No thank you. I have arranged an appointment for you to see Psychiatry, they don’t wear white coats, they wear normal clothes. They know more about this than I do. Is that okay? Yes.

I thanked my GP for taking the time to arrange this appointment. As I got up to leave, my GP held to door open saying another sentence I will never forget:

______, if you try to take your own life, I will resign.

I was now waiting on a telephone call to know who I was going to see, and where it was. A few hours later the landline rang to hear a female pshyciatrist asking me to come down at around 5pm. I decided not to inform my parents until I actually had the appointment. Perhaps looking back on this, it was to guard them from what was really going on in my messed up circuit.

The office was empty, staff were leaving (mainly administrators) I passed by two asking them where Dr _______ was, soon her voice echoed around the corner, asking me to have a seat in the waiting area. A few minutes later, and an anxious wait in the empty sitting room I was called by the lady doctor.

She asked me to have seat and to tell her what was going on in my head. We spoke frankly, some 40 minutes later I left with a script for my GP. The consultant psychiatrist recommended additional medicines and wished to see me in two weeks time.

Looking back on this, I was one of the lucky ones. I was a member of the National Health Service getting exceptional healthcare for free. Whilst those who were involved will not be reading this now, I wish to take this opportunity to thank everyone (at that time) sincerely for everything.

Next: I’ll continue my next experience with my GP and psychiatry appointment

Tip: Listen to music when you feel your mood slipping into an unwanted position.

Advice: Sometimes life can throw some really uncomfortable and unwanted experiences at us, sometimes we fall (cry, talk, shout and vent this) when really we should try to keep positive. If you have an iPod (or an MP3 player) try to listen to different genres of music for 20 minutes. It is amazing what music can do, whether it’s the beat of the song, or the words just listen to try to calm you own brain down to a managable level. Keep up the mix of songs … keep focused on the light, life does get better, honestly it does!

Filed under: TheJourney, General practitioner, Health, iPod, Medical Specialties, Medicine, National Health Service, Psychiatrist, Psychiatry

Upstairs (aka the mysterious brain)

So what does one mean by the phrase upstairs? And, what do I mean about circuit? Locally, we tend to abbreviate words and phrases. In fact, our culture meant that our friends and family used certain phrases they could relate to. In the case of this Blog, the word “upstairs” literally means “the top of the human body” – that is, the brain. As you may have gathered, “circuit” refers to how our brain sends signals.

Our brain is an amazing organ. It determines what muscles we use to smile to a another person, it interprets sounds to have meanings (that includes words) and, most importantly, it determines how our chemical mood will be. Of course, medics have yet to discover this amazing organ. One thing, as a human being, is that our brain knows us, and we know it: we know our own bodies better than anyone else! That includes the professionals (Doctors, nurses, counsellors and psychologists etc). Yet, many people claim they know how to boost this wonderful organ.

Now, back to the intimate personal experience of (what used to be) a messy upstairs circuit…

…the start of adulthood began with constant questions on who I was. I was developing as a person, at college whilst holding down a part-time job. Yet, deep inside I was also on a journey into self discovery. I was finding out the real me, yes on the outside all my features were developed, people knew who I was by a smile, a laugh, yet I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. To me there was more to what was tangible, I looked at myself as being unclean, confused and lost.

Sadly, I took a really strong dislike to myself because I soon discovered that there was something I couldn’t change. That is, homosexuality. Sexual orientation cannot be changed (in my view) after a few talks. It’s something (I firmly believe) we are born with. What makes this more strange, is that, sexuality does not have a place in DNA: our bodies genetic make-up. As annoying (and sometimes misleading) as Wikipedia can be, they pose an article on the nature VS nurture debate.

When I looked in the mirror, or thought about life, I didn’t like what I was thinking. I actually couldn’t stop some of these thoughts. Soon, I realised that writing was the best way to come to terms with what was going on upstairs.

A few weeks later, I left (accidentally) a piece of my hand written journal on my bedroom desk. My older brother spotted it, and couldn’t help but read the content. Soon he realised that I was struggling to come to terms with my own sexuality. As a person who was always paying attention to detail, I even included something that freaked him out: self-harm. Yes, I literally hated and resented myself so much, the only coping mechanism I found was physically cutting my legs and arms.

As an adult, my brothers were now helping my parents (behind my back) to break this taboo. They were on a plan to see what was the best way to broach this subject. It came out (no pun intended) that my eldest brother took me for a drive around the coast to see how I was. Unknown to me, this journey was planned to a fine T. Everything was well thought out. My brother randomly talked about how a former pop star was able to embrace himself whilst being successful. Soon, the moment came when I clenched the passenger’s seat, gripping tighter and tighter as my eldest brother asked me openly:

____, are you gay?  

I simply, then uncontrollably cried. My brother pulled the car into a safe spot and through his arms around me saying that everything would be okay. He had a so what attitude. I guess, looking back on it, I was green with envy that I didn’t have such a relaxed take to being a young gay man. In truth, I couldn’t handle the pressures of be a gay man. On the way home, we spoke openly about how the 21st century (and local political peace talks) allowed gay people to be themselves. Looking back on this event, I actually laid an unexpected bombshell on my supportive brother: I was self-harming. He could understand why I was hurting myself. The thought of blood and cutting actually made him uncomfortable. I remember apologising to him and told him I’d do my best to stop it.

Several sentences over, more silent moments in the car, we were almost home. My brother said that

Mum and Dad are here for you, how do you want to tell them about your great news?

This freaked me out, completely brainless. I agreed that I’d go out to the outside garage once we got home. The car pulled into the driveway, the engine stopped, my heart pumped harder (faster and longer) than normal. I ran out to the back of the house into the garage. Within a few seconds, my Mum and Dad came out each one throwing their arms around me, reassuring me that everything would be okay

we love you, know matter what

In the depths of depression, confusion and typical teenage turmoil, I knew I had a fantastic family. I also knew that I was lucky to have such open parents. However, our conversation didn’t stop me from hating myself. Whilst I may have slept an extra half hour that night, life was (in my eyes) crap.

***I’ll pick-up on the next bit of my journey of self-discovery in another post. Thanks for reading this part though***

Tip: try to avoid self-harm. Whilst it can (in a strange, psychological way) seem like a good coping mechanism, try to delay it rather than letting your upstairs circuit get rerouted

Advice: when you have the edge to self-harm, try to use the above tip. Delay it for as long as possible. Albeit, 30 seconds or one minute, whenever you do this you have control over your self-harm. When you start to take such (powerful) control back from an unplugged circuit, the more likely you can stop it. Scares stay for years. Don’t let one thought give you one mark you’ll have to look at for decades … it is a horrible reminder. Distract yourself, take back control of your own brain.

I will return to this topic in a whole post of its own. Self-harm needs to be discussed, we shouldn’t be afraid of talking/typing about it. Sometimes, we self-harm without even knowing we do it…skipping meals, picking skin are just some of the more common forms of harm we are doing to our amazing bodies!

For now, thanks again for reading this. I hope it has been insightful

Filed under: TheJourney, Brain, Gay Lesbian and Bisexual, Health, mental health, Nature versus nurture, self-harm, sexuality

The day before “the big 18th”

For some time I was feeling crap. My mood was (mostly) low, I was having terrible sleep and my parents advised to go to  the doctors about morning nausea. For weeks, I used to wake up and vomit every morning. Of course, this wasn’t the way I wanted to start the day, but it almost became a way of live when I was seventeen years old. I didn’t socialize much during this time, in fact, I didn’t even have anything planned for becoming an adult, other than stay at home and stay in with my fantastic family.

My GP advised that I took acid stomach tablets, anti nausea tablets and because I was going to become 18 the next day, Prozac. This was followed up by a review in two weeks time. For the first time, I was actually treated like an adult, I was able to actually say life was shit to a very reserved GP. Looking back at this time, it wasn’t all doom and gloom. In many regards, I was developing: I didn’t have any problems having a conversation, and, I was able to express many difficult feelings for someone so young.

—–

Tip: no matter how dull life seems, talk it out before you walk it out. You may have family, you might have friends, you might be fortunate to have both. If so, use them – if they are true friends they’ll be willing to listen, and you’ll be willing to talk freely!

Advice: keep thinking about all the positives in your life. Even if it is something stupid, like, putting on a warm pair of trousers that you just took off the radiator. Life is actually good, you have so many things going for you, often we don’t always know it … keep going!

More soon

Filed under: TheJourney, Antidepressant, Family, Fluoxetine, friends, General practitioner, Home, listen, Prozac, talk

What’s the idea?

Hi,

I thought it would be best to write a (first) post about what I hope to achieve from writing this Blog.

Firstly, I do not have any links to social network sites (such as, Facebook, Twitter etc) because I do not believe that everything in life needs/should be documented elctronically for the world to see. Who needs to know what my status is? Those who do will already know, mainly because they are family and true friends. Don’t get me wrong, having such a platform is fantastic if one lives far away from friends and family: social networking is a great medium for instant connectivity.

Secondly, the internet is all around us. When we are not using it, we often see it or hear others talking about it. For example, Smartphones, TV adverts etc. When using the internet for, let’s say, news articles; it proves to be an excellent platform to gain information. In fact, I sometimes use the internet for companionship, and to ‘escape’ from reality.

Thirdly, I’ve been through a rough ‘journey’ both physically and emotionally. In the depths of this rollercoaster ride, I’ve used the internet to gain an insight into many things of interest. Perhaps this Blog might help you see that others have, or are going through what you might have/are going through right now.

Here’s hoping that a Blog will allow me to express what has been going on in my brain (upstairs) through many different, and difficult avenues (circuit) and to pubically say that it really does get better – no matter what.

Enjoy!

PS, the internet is open to all, so is this Blog, please feel free to comment anytime.

Filed under: Inception, depression, interest, life story, mental health