After a few weeks of being put on new, stronger medications I was slowly realising that life was still very difficult. Typical things we often take for granted (as human beings) were more of a challenge. For example, being able to get a good nights sleep was impossible. I continued to write my diary, then made a one page summary for both my GP and Psychiatrist. Here, I was prescribed more medication and existing medications were increased. I guess looking back, I thought (as well as my family) that this was how treatment worked … it was a waiting game for everything to adjust etc – as in, medication, upstaris circuit’s chemical imbalance
A few weeks later, the lack of sleep and consistent low mood was an on-going battle. I remember getting used to the idea that three hours sleep was normal. I often watched the late news then tuning into the radio station at 2am for the start of daytime playlists. Looking back, music (and audio) got me through a lot.
The day before I had a routine (weekly) appointment I wrote a letter for my family. In it, I explained how my head was like a washing machine on full spin. Thoughts of misery, disappointment and helplessness were too much. I said I needed to get a break: I needed to be in Hospital. I explained that this was the best place, and hopefully upstairs would be more content for everyday tasks. The next day my Psychiatrist suggested that I needed to get into Hospital so they could look at all my medications. Least not to mention that I was actively thinking of ending my own life … a plan I explained to the kind lady Doctor.
She took me up to the male ward, showing me how it was like the rest of the Hospital. Doctors (medics) didn’t wear white clothes, they dressed how she was always dressed, that is, casual clothes. After the initial viewing, I agreed to go into Hospital voluntary. The Dr allowed me to go home, pack a bag and said she’d see me in a few days. Until then, she explained that nursing staff were there to talk to etc
Later that evening, I went up to my room – a place I rarely left – to pack my things. I was fussy, packing flip-flops for the shower whilst having enough room for a few different outfits. About 30 minutes later I went down to the front room and explained to my family that I was going into hospital. They were strong for me, whilst echoing that it would be the best place. Holding a strong face I went back up to my room. I sat on my bed and cried thinking what the heck was going on. My brothers came up offering support, they agreed to drop me down for 8pm with my Dad. Looking back I really did have a really supportive family.
Before going I handed my Mum a letter. It was the one I prepared the day before, basically explaining that it was best for everyone – including my sleepless parents. I went into the ward that evening with my brothers and father, signed a document stating all my belongings and agreeing to go to a certain bed. The one opposite the nurses station – they wanted to monitor my moves.
I soon settled in, chatting to the friendly nursing staff. They really were normal, and did a fantastic job with my family and I. Soon visting time made a big farewell to my brothers and Dad. I’ll never forget hugging my Dad, he assured that I’d be alright. My brothers joked about the great banter I’d have (with the nurses and other patients).
Like a really nervous young man, I had an MP3 player ready to get some sleep. Of course, I ate the usual tea and toast that was on offer in the kitchen. I settled in well with all the staff. Always offering help, and offering to start up conversations. All of which were raised (positively) at my first ward round meeting. A meeting that literally had me in a bag of nerves. I was paranoid. So much so, at the end of the meeting, I requested why so many staff members were there. They all had duties (Social Services, junior medics, nurses – charge and senior – and a clinical psychologist) but seemed to fill the room too much.
I requested that all those who sat (literally) and said nothing did not turn up next week. It was a waste of resources and felt too intimidating. My Consultant challenged me, to which I requested, I’ll not answer any questions unless it was just the two of us. Feedback should happen in any team, regardless of occupation.
The next day one of my tutors (the head of the college) came to visit me with a card from all my classmates. She asked if I’d internet access because she was able to get me a laptop to help with my studies. I agreed to find out if this was possible. It was good to see some outside blood in the new instituation. Upon leaving, I remember seeing her talk to the charge nurse. Soon I heard that I wasn’t allowed access to the internet
it is too much pressure
There you have it, little me, a potential continuing student in hospital trying to get help to continue Education whilst helping upstairs find its circuit. A week later in the ward round, my Consultant strongly disagreed about continuing my studies. The nurse present (at the time) also agreed. There was me thinking he was actually nice. In all the depths of confusion, mental tourture, I never forget saying:
clearly my tutor thinks I have academic potential. I must be clever, I disagree with your decision, we’re all entitled to our opinions
This was perhaps the beginning of having a challenging patient. I was still able to express myself, get on with activities, take medication and rattle medics. Within a few days (with my mind worsening) dosages increased and soon I was like a zombie. I was slow and gaining weight like no tomorrow.
Advice: listen to your gut. What feels right for you is generally right.
Tip: Don’t give up on life, it is the one thing everyone on this Earth has. Make the most of it. Sometimes we can feel so disjointed, confused and depressed. Whenever you’re not feeling your usual self (i.e., your gut instinct) break the cycle, go for a walk, listen to music, talk to someone – family or friend. Don’t give in, and don’t give up … keep going! Trust me, you’ll look back and see the possibilities you had and have. Live
Filed under: TheJourney, Family, General practitioner, Health, Hospital, Nurse, Nursing, Pharmaceutical drug, Psychiatrist
"Upstairs" Circuit 